The Eden Express

I am currently reading The Eden Express by Mark Vonnegut, the son of my favoritest author Kurt Vonnegut.

I found it in a second-hand store ages ago, and only picked it up recently. It’s about how he fell in into schizophrenia and how he god back. It’s a very good read, in that its honesty is engaging. You know how people can be very emotional when talking about how the shit hit the fan and they lose their points in the details and in the billowing emotions? Not Mark.

There are a lot of branching out but that’s a given. It occurs when he talks about his sickness, right in the middle of it. I don’t know if it’s scary that I get it but I do. It’s hard not to be emphatic.

I don’t know if it’s a fact but in the book, I learned that KV actually attempted suicide. Yikes. I thought about it and really, it’s not very far off; life wasn’t exactly kind to KV. Of course, the most moving part for me were tangent to KV.

I finally said fuck it
I don’t want to buck it
I’m tired of being alone

Also:

One big clue was a line in my father’s last letter to me. He was talking about his teaching at Harvard and how he was giving up. “At least it gave me a chance to get to know people who were at home on Earth.”

Pretty compelling. I’m 2/3 done but I don’t know if I want to end too soon.

Worried…that I’ve Become Intolerant

(photo from elastica)

Oh no. I think I’ve become intolerant of so many things!

• stupid people who think they’re the shit
• ugly people who think they’re the shit
• people who do not think
• people without the skills
• writers who cannot write
• writers who cannot write, only for them to make readers think they’re stupid. How about a little wisdom from Kurt Vonnegut: Eloquence should be the servant to your ideas. Fuckers.

Also, my attention span has just dropped to nil. Tabs and bookmarks, you are my bane. I’ve so many tabs opened right now, only for me to bookmark them for future reference because I cannot commit to reading them as of this moment. And then I bitch about not having anything to do when in fact I could be reading all those things I’ve bookmarked.

Gosh. I am a champion at complicating things. I am not liking myself right now.

ps. I met her last night and omg. Ang jologs mo. Ang jologs niya. I guess you guys make a good pair. Also, sorry. That was all pretend. I only wanted to be her friend so that I can make fun of her. When I was admitting to becoming a mean girl? That was me telling you your time has come. I shall be making fun of you both. Sorry.

Solitude and a Book

Wow. To ask for a place like this may be too much but if I may shoot for the stars, I’d really really really want something like this for myself. Or, if I may shoot for the moon, I’d like to be either of them. Because then, I’d have this already. Hehe

Here is the dad, enjoying the warmth from the sun and a book:

and here is his son, Tomas, enjoying his hammock. “I like the feeling of lying on the hammock when it is dark,” he said. “I look at the city and the hills,” he says in the interview with nytimes.

And which books will I read? Right now, I’d say bring in any Kurt Vonnegut and I’d be a happy girl. A great magazine like, hmm, I dunno Esquire? Q? Domino? would be awesome, too. I think it’s high time to go KV-book shopping again.

Also, I think it’s high time to do something with my life once again. Write an arresting story. Make a song that will embrace people I look up to.  Begin an adventure. Fall in love. And be loved back. It’s time.

Lifemappin for the nth time

This afternoon has been a rollercoaster. On the way back from an interview, I was thinking about how it would be awesome if I could just “fillet the fish and throw everything away.” In my job, I like the interviewing part and the writing part. To do just that would be a dream. In between, I was thinking, I could really learn how to cook, you know? Or read. Or surf the internet. To and fro interviews and shoots, I get to see the rest of the world while away and take pictures.

This thought was confounded when logistical nightmares started to happen…and started to haunt me. Even as I was outside of office. I thought I was evolved enough not to let such small things affect me but I supposed wrong.  I am not as evolved as I think I am. And so I got angry I got stressed I got bleh. I was thinking I could really live without this, how I didn’t want this anymore, how much I only wanted to write.

And then: an SMS about a possible interview with Jens Lenkman. Mr. Lenkman, you see, will be coming to Manila on March 31, to open for Kings of Convenience. I will be watching that show. Obvs, I am a fan. And that text msg more than erased the “11″ forming between my brows; more than made up for the logistical stress that my position entails.

So, as Radiohead’s “How Can You Be Sure?” is put on loop, I can’t help but feel as though Thom is addressing me: How can I be sure I don’t want this anymore? How can I be sure I don’t belong here? How can I be sure?

I forget the artist who sang the song but it had these lines: it’s the same world that brought you down is the one that will pick you up.  Or something like that. And it’s true. I hate my job (or so I think) but there are all these opportunities that reinforces what little love I still have for it.

I still think I belong to publishing and media. But here’s the twist: I don’t think I belong in the Philippines anymore. The logistical shit comes from the fact that I keep on having to clean up the dirt that comes from third world thinking and third world doing. I don’t want to clean anybody’s shit anymore.

I want to take this a notch higher. Maybe I will. International media, here I come! But the necessary question: How do I go about this? Anyone?

Hey

Kurt Vonnegut was right. To combat loneliness, we need our families. Extended, actually, is preferred. And so, taking on the suggestion of the master, I decided to start another blog. That’s where I’ll post anything and everything family. About my own or otherwise.

It’s a slow-burn. Posts come in slower but they come in longer, too. And hopefully, they’re more engaging. Like a good fuck, say?

Anyway, please, come visit. Click here!