The Eden Express

I am currently reading The Eden Express by Mark Vonnegut, the son of my favoritest author Kurt Vonnegut.

I found it in a second-hand store ages ago, and only picked it up recently. It’s about how he fell in into schizophrenia and how he god back. It’s a very good read, in that its honesty is engaging. You know how people can be very emotional when talking about how the shit hit the fan and they lose their points in the details and in the billowing emotions? Not Mark.

There are a lot of branching out but that’s a given. It occurs when he talks about his sickness, right in the middle of it. I don’t know if it’s scary that I get it but I do. It’s hard not to be emphatic.

I don’t know if it’s a fact but in the book, I learned that KV actually attempted suicide. Yikes. I thought about it and really, it’s not very far off; life wasn’t exactly kind to KV. Of course, the most moving part for me were tangent to KV.

I finally said fuck it
I don’t want to buck it
I’m tired of being alone

Also:

One big clue was a line in my father’s last letter to me. He was talking about his teaching at Harvard and how he was giving up. “At least it gave me a chance to get to know people who were at home on Earth.”

Pretty compelling. I’m 2/3 done but I don’t know if I want to end too soon.

Positive Superlative Saturday

All star cast, from left: beer + brooklyn white pesto with uncle moe’s sauce + bolano = Positive Superlative. A little later on, Erwin arrives and gives me:

!!!!!!! Ikr. Just when you think the uncle moe’s combonalo (SIDE NOTE:  a contemporary local compound slang word that should represent the present state of Filipino language, dominated by taglish or a combination of tagalog and english. Combonalo means a winning combination. It is made up of two words, “combo” from the english word “combination” and “nalo” from the word “panalo” which means “to win”) couldn’t get any better, here comes a writer I truly respect with a belated birthday gift that made me get up and hug him. What is not to love???

I don’t know about you but I really do take my Saturdays seriously. By Thursday, I would’ve some semblance of a Saturday plan, a gig to go to, a dish to eat, a store to visit, friends to meet, an errand to run only for the reward after. This Saturday has surpassed any of my recent Saturdays. And to think it’s only 721pm.

Won’t push my luck though. Will stay home tonight. There are a few things I need to finish. Monday is a deadline. But that’s okay. Because it is really a positive superlative Saturday. I hope you are having one yourself!

The Luck I Have Can Make a Good Girl Go Bad

(image from lelove)

Hmm. So many things I still don’t know. I don’t know what I should feel, what I am actually feeling, and if I should be feeling something else, entirely. I thought I finally resolved this issue, in the context of love, when I found Roland Barthes’ A Lovers Discourse.

That book laid it all out, named it all out, decoded, defined and differentiated the many variables of  love.

It seems that the strangeness many find in love, I found in death. Hindi ko masyado maintindihan.

In other news, Sofia Coppola has always expressed my many different uncertainties of the past. Having been changed by the present circumstance, I thought it would be perfectly understandable, if a little sad, should I no longer find a friend in her movies.

Thankfully it looks like the director found the whispers and the tone that I haven’t been able to find. Buti nalang. See trailer of  “Somewhere”

Dear A (again?!)

It’s been so long. How are you? I hope you are better than I am. Surely you’ve heard of my loss…? I thought we were friends but seeing that you went MIA, maybe I am wrong. I dunno. But I am far too removed from the world at the moment so I’ll probably let that sit in the air. For now.

Not that you care about books, or about me, for that matter but Ima tell you about the book that I’m currently reading. It’s called The Savage Detectives by a new favorite author, Roberto Bolano.

Why am I telling you this? Because he said most eloquently what I’d like to say to you. Let me quote:

“What I meant was,” said Brigida, looking behind her as if to make sure Rosario wasn’t coming, “that I would’ve liked to fall in love with you, too, believe me, I would’ve liked to live with you, give you spending moeny, make you meals, take care of you when you were sick, but it wasn’t meant to be. We have to accept things the way they are don’t we? But it would’ve been nice.”

So there. It would’ve been nice. But it wasn’t meant to be. I thought what was meant to be was that we’d be friends. But now that I’m not too sure with that as well, I’ll let that sit in the air for a while. Maybe when I see you soon, I’ll finally be able to decide. In the meantime, the above is for you. I’m glad you found what you were looking for.

Walk About

When I can, and usually on Saturdays, I go to the University of the Philippines to be with myself. I go to this second-hand bookstore, where I never leave without a purchase. I go to this cafe, where I always order an eggplant parmigiana. It’s not the best that I’ve tasted but it’s familiar and it’s comforting so it’s become a favorite.

I dunno. These sporadic trips always clears my head. It’s so quiet in UP. And people never mind what the hell you’re doing. Well, okay, sometimes, they do, too but they’re always off elsewhere so that’s okay. I like how you can just walk around or sit around and nobody would think you were different, weird, or intoxicated.